Scyanide

November

2011-11-22T22:11:00.000+08:00

So here I sit, raw and ragged thanks to everything that has been thrown at me this year.

I hate to admit it but even if I cannot see beyond tomorrow, maybe tomorrow won't be so bad after all. I don't dare hope so my heart hurts a little with each breath. But heartache won't kill me. It's failed to kill me in the past.. at least maybe now it will be for a good cause.

The darkest 2 months so far

2011-10-24T20:40:00.000+08:00

It's been dark in my world.

Bleak, dark and sad.

From working a miserable job for horrible bosses. From having to go to every single MET call every single day I go to work. From not getting into another training program. From... everything to everything else.

I've coped becoz I haven't known what else to do. If I really thought it viable to crumble, I would. If I could really die tomorrow and vanish from existence, I would. But none of that is realistic. The drudgery of a work-a-day life IS realistic. So I plod along.

For 2 months, I have worn only ill-fitting scrubs and worn an expression as worn, tired and sad as my soul. In the end, I've had to force myself to actually get dressed becoz I realized that looking awful made me feel worse...

The darkness is still there.

And it doesn't matter if it ever clears again.

Becoz there's nothing beyond the next few weeks, the next month for me. A work-a-day life to a work-a-day existence.

No ambition, no direction.

Just keeping it together.

F*ck you FRACP: C'est fini

2011-08-20T13:13:00.001+08:00

I've spent the last 3 weeks wanting to shoot myself, beat myself to death with my own alarm clock and drive off bridges... all this while running all the MET (medical emergency team) calls at my hospital and trying to monitor the cardiology ward.

I've dragged FRACP notes to work and let them fester in my bag. I've glowered at them while they sat on my coffee table at home.

I've let my bosses bully me and told junior doctors I hardly know that "I'm nothing, no-one and going nowhere".

... it's been sh*thouse and I was such a happy intern. I was a happy resident. I was a generally happy doctor. Fast forward 5 years and I'm only ever one more 'thing' away from self-emolation.

SO.

I have decided that I am DONE.

I am done with the FRACP. I'm done with cardiology. I'm sick of being the bosses' punching bag. I'm done - now and forever. I'm not going to study any more, be part of the college. I'm going public even though I have no discernible alternative training program.

In the words of someone wise, death is the ultimate career compromise. If I kill myself, I definitely won't have a career trajectory.

Once I started university I thought my darkest days were behind me. If the FRACP +/- cardiology brings them back with a vengeance than I want nothing more to do with it.

C'est fini.

3 month follow-up: Brazilian Blow-out

2011-08-07T12:09:00.001+08:00

So, I've taken the Brazilian blow-out on holiday and lived with it day-to-day. I've been compliant with the keratin-full and sulphate-free shampoo and conditioner.

I've noticed that there are DIY keratin treatments in stores now and was starting wondering if I would do it all again.

I don't know that I like how straight this made my hair. I didn't feel that it improved the frizz and kept the wave, instead it just made it straighter and less frizzy. Not frizz-free but less frizzy.

I hated the provided/recommended shampoo and conditioner. This had a foul, chemical smell and my hair felt dry after the conditioner. I've used abt 2/3 of each and would never consider buying these products again. A few companies make these products though - they probably aren't so foul-smelling... but they are certainly expensive.

Here's a link to my original thoughts on the Brazilian Blow-out

http://scyanide.blogspot.com/2011/05/quick-review-brazilian-blow-out.html

Daily makeup trial

2011-08-06T15:51:00.002+08:00

I recently went on holiday and thought I would try wearing a little bit of makeup daily.

Since I had LASIK (vision correction surgery) 6 weeks ago, I've had trouble adjusting to my 'new' face. The makeup makes the transition more bearable for me, aesthetically.

Now, by a 'little' makeup, I literally mean:

tightliner only on the upper lash line
basic mascara
eyebrow stuff (Nyx eyebrow kit - I don't know how to use eyebrow pencils)
bronzer (as blush) OR Benefit's 'Posie Tint'

.. I don't use foundation, so this is on a base of moisturizer with SPF.

So, how did the experiment go?

Well, even the little bit I did took a lot longer than expected. Practice does make perfect.

How did it look? Well, I liked it. Frankly, I even think the blush/bronzer is too much effort to do daily... but I can handle the rest regularly.

What I look like with what I consider a full face of makeup (this is NOT what I did on my 'daily makeup trial'!)

No makeup

..It's hard not to become 'addicted' to wearing makeup on a daily basis now that I've tried it. I prefer how I look with even a little bit of makeup... But then again, I work 11-12 hour days and contrary to popular belief, hospitals are not full of hot and attractive staff ;)

Unexpected Awesomeness: cosmetics + makeup haul from my travels

2011-06-25T01:20:00.001+08:00

Hi everyone! Long time no blog!

Here are some unexpectedly awesome items from my recent travels....

Metholatum Lip Ice Sheer Color (2g)
I already loved Metholatum lip products.
And I love the 'mood ring'/ color changing concept in cosmetics (see previous post on TonyMoly Berry Magic Lip Tint).

I bought this on impulse while transiting thru the HongKong airport. Bought 2 actually... just in case I really liked them coz they definitely aren't available at home. They were AUD$6 each and yeah, you don't get a lot of product - for example, Nivea lip balm sticks are approx 5g each. But what the heck, I love this anyway!

Went on clear & incredibly smooth and became an ever-so-slightly glossy, perfect pink. Very moisturizing. Love the feeling. Until I tried this, I had thought my Nyx Tinted Lip Spa in Sake did a good job of doing 'my lips but better' but this is sooooooo much better. No dryness at all. Very slightly glossy. F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C.

DreamGirl 4u2 Together Two-Toned Blush
These were on sale while I wandered thru a department store (Paragon) in Bangkok. They worked out to be approx AUD$4 each. The paper packaging they were in initially was very plain and uninspiring.

I'd never heard of the brand but thought it was worth trying them since they were affordable and I love the two-colors-in-one-package idea.

As you can see, there's a little brush + mirror included with each. I haven't tried the brushes BUT was soooo impressed with the quality of these. They have fantastic color pay-off, are smooth and non-chalky.

A little bit of internet research has told me this is actually an American brand which has been launched exclusively in Asia thus far. I haven't seen it here in Oz or in Singapore yet but rest assured, I regret not trying more from this line when I had the chance!

Daiso 'Neo-Color' brand blush
The Daiso company is, as I understand it, as massive "$2 store" chain which is huge in Asia. It's Japanese and has branches around the world... apparently there's one in Melbourne too. But of course, I'm on the @ss-end of Australia so it's not here.

Ever been to a $2 store here? It's generally an almost-unpleasant experience. Lots of crappy, crappy merchandise which probably isn't worth the $2. You gotta sift thru a lot of wretched stuff to find the occasional gem.

Ever tried the Daiso version? --- Holy cow!!!! There's an amazing range of great stuff - cosmetics, homewares, stationery, tech stuff. It's hard to imagine how most of this stuff costs $2 coz you've seen similar items at places like Target for at least 3 times the price... which makes it $6. And you would have _still_ bought it for the $6 too!!

The Daiso branches I've been to in Asia are always jam-packed with people. There are queues for the checkout, if you don't get what you wanted the first time you went down an aisle, it's an ordeal to go back. I've bought iPod/iPhone retractable charge cables, camera and phone screen protectors, plastic organizer racks from this place..... BUT was dubious at trying their cosmetics.

I mean, stuff from the $2 store on my face... I dunno.

So I settled on a blush. The rose combo was sold out. There was only a coral combo and tan combo left. I picked the tan thinking it would be a nice highlight + contour combo. There were no samples... and I was a little disappointed when I swatched it at home and found them very shimmery.

Too shimmery?? Actually NOT at all. There was a delightful difference in effect betw the swatch on my hand and the actual application.

For FACE: the shimmer as a contour-highlight is suddenly becomes very subtle. It's believable. The dark color actually is a gorgeous, light-shimmer bronzer. It actually works for contouring too.

The texture is phenomenal. I rubbed too hard initially thinking it was prob quite a dry/chalky product coz it was so cheap... and got WAAAY too much on my finger. Very creamy and smooth... I didn't know what to do with the monster swatch so I tried it as eyeshadow.

For the EYES: Phenomenal!!!! Lovely, neutral eyeshadow. The highlight blended perfectly here as well. (*I usually use the ELF 'Butternut' quad eyeshadow for the really neutral eye look in a pinch --- the texture of the Neo-Color version is infinitely better)

Wow, what a great travel, multi-purpose product. I was looking for the perfect light-shimmer bronzer... and here I found it. For $2. There's even a flip-up mirror & mini brush included.

Why didn't I buy the other colors? Or their eyeshadows?

As if I could love Daiso any more. Can you spend $80 at the 2-buck store. Baby, lemme show you how it's done ;)

Alone again, naturally

2011-05-25T20:46:00.000+08:00

I don't know how I never knew the lyrics to this song. One of my favorites, I actually looked them up today.

This is a much sweeter, smarter song than I'd previously imagined.

That heartbreak. That sentiment. That's what great songs/ writing/ art is made of...

And listening to the song again today, I thought I would feel that way when I thought abt the FCRAP again. But I didn't.

Which is wonderful.

Becoz all it really is, is an exam. It's just a job. It's just a year.

And it's not my soul.

Mini Nyx Haul & Reviews

2011-05-24T14:24:00.001+08:00

L to R: (Lip glosses) Juicy Red, La-La, Sponge Cake. Tinted lip spa in Sake &
Eyebrow cake in ash/taupe

Tinted lip spa: this is actually the same color as my lips. It's more sheer than it appears (coz otherwise it would be a lipstick) but it is smooth + reasonably moisturizing. It has an inoffensive smell that is hard to characterise. Overall, I like it very much as I'm a tinted lip balm fiend ;) ...BTW, some blogs mention that it melts in summer - it's autumn here so I can't comment on that but really hope not!

MegaShine Lip Gloss in Juicy Red: I love the sheer but bright red color and I don't mind the slightly sticky texture of the gloss. This is a color I really wanted becoz I only have something similar in an unwieldy pot at the moment.
La-La: thought I'd be bold and buy a bright color - something out of character. This is a bright pink and has good color pay-off. But it really doesn't suit me.
Sponge Cake: this is a gorgeous color in the tube. Shimmery dusty pink (not brown - the way it came out in the pic). Sadly, it comes off on my lips as essentially nude/colorless with a little shimmer.

Eyebrow Cake in Ash/Taupe: I love this. I never did anything abt my eyebrows other than plucking/ threading/ waxing until this year. Putting stuff on does make a difference though and I love this little package. I kinda mix the colors together and then put a little of the provided wax over the top. Cute and convenient. Saw this reviewed by some of my fave youtube beauty gurus and they were right!

I hate the smell of the MegaShine lip glosses. Harsh, incredibly synthetic cherry. It's not a smell common in cosmetics anymore - most companies produce cherry scented/flavored items but have learnt to tone it down. They have a retro scent, circa 1985 and in the worst possible way. I actually avoided cherry flavored things for abt 10 years thanks to this scent... Yep, I hate it enough that I would not consider buying these again w/o their reformulation.

Should I do a little list of my fave youtube beauty gurus? --- I have hesitated coz I wasn't sure if I was allowed to without their permission.... but would it be helpful?

Finally, I don't buy something every day. I realize that I do blog posts in quick succession ... but acquiring this stuff does take time ;)

Quick Review: Brazilian blow-out

2011-05-18T22:42:00.000+08:00

Ahh.

It sure sounds like I spend a ridiculous amount of money and time on cosmetics/ beauty stuff, huh? Well, perhaps I do ;)

Approx 8 months ago, a colleague with similar hair type + overall dress style to mine and I were talking abt how hard it is to manage thick, frizzy, mid-length hair. She is originally from Brisbane and told me abt the 'brazilian blow out' aka 'global keratin' treatment she had done there more than a year prior. It wasn't really in Perth at this time and I remember thinking abt how expensive she said it was (like $500).

My hair frizzies really act up when it's either long or short. Mid-length is ok... but I saw a deal online for the global keratin thing a couple of months ago and thought, "why the hell not, since it's less than 50% off!"

So, anyway, recently, the original formula has been recalled. Too much formaldehyde apparently. The new formulation is apparently called 'nano straight' and allows more post-procedure freedom. It's apparently immediately washable, for example. ... Anyway, this is the treatment I had done.

Even with mid length hair, it took abt 3 hours. It didn't smell especially pleasant going on and was pretty enough immediately afterwards... but not quite my style. Immediately after, it felt weighed down and was incredibly straight. Somehow making my giant head look larger since my hair was flatter. Hmm.

I resisted washing it for 48hours. My horror at the sight of the bobble-head in the mirror wore me down though.

After the first wash.... I didn't see or feel a discernible difference. I used the recommended shampoo + conditioner. I don't use any styling products with sulphates, as advised. Certainly, when wet I can still smell the original treatment (which is not pleasant btw) ... but when dry, my hair is still slightly frizzy and back to wavy.

I didn't get it done in the hopes it would be straighter. I love the waves... but I was hoping it would be substantially less frizzy. Or need less de-frizz product.

Conclusion: No regrets since I got to try it on massive discount. And jet black hair that always has bright, natty colors put in can always use the extra conditioning treatment... would I get it again?
---> on discount: yep!
---> full price: hell no.

Call it 'business class'

2011-05-10T10:25:00.000+08:00

Yep, daggy enough to take my own pic with champagne!

I've never been on a business trip for now. I guess that's becoz I work in the public system for and really don't have to drum up any 'business'.

For 6 months this year, I am/was lucky enough to have a part-time job in private sector doing something that can be loosely called 'research'. It's this job which sent me on my only business trip - to Thailand. I went business class, dressed, regardless, in my vintage t-shirt and black hoodie. Like the poor kid I actually am.

Here are some pics of the amazing hotel my colleague and I stayed in at our own expense, prior to the work-bit. It was called the Aetas Hotel and was in Bangkok itself. Such a lovely hotel with awesome stuff like a massage and daily cocktail (woohoo!) thrown in. New, clean and bright. Free wi-fi and some Macs available for guest use in the lobby too. Loved it.

The porn-style bathroom at Aetas - you can look into the main room from your bathtub... or vice versa, I suppose! This bathroom style was also in the second hotel.

Dunno why I thought the bathroom counter also deserved a pic. But there you go.

I wish you could see the giant showerhead here. There were 2 showerheads - one giant one that would pour enough water to engulf you. Heaven!

The hotel I was in for work was, although technically 5 star, run down and over-priced. There was no free wi-fi. Internet connections were available for a rather hefty sum. I also had a view of the ___airport on-ramp___. Yes, the one vehicles drive on to drop passengers at the departures area. EWWWWWWW. Twice the price for rooms per night too, apparently. Can anyone say "rip-off"?

Finally, I have to rant/rave about the flights. I'm a cheap, cheap human being. I've never even looked up the price of business class flights so this was an amazing experience. I was on Cathay Pacific airlines, in one of the individual booth/bed things which fully reclines. They try to feed you constantly in business class too.

I love my food but in 8 hours, I got 4 meals. I had to refuse some of the last one. It was beef noodles - think abt it ppl, I would never EVER ordinarily refuse beef noodles. Sigh.

Funny observation: In economy, the pre-landing stuff is easy. Your seats only ever tipped 3 inches backwards. In business, there's a lot of shuffling around before landing. You have to entangle yourself from your laz-y-boy type seat... and the big blankie/doona they gave you... and your wraparound headphones... and the table cloth (no shit) you probably left on your lap becoz, wtf, you had a table cloth and a cloth napkin to contend with.

Welcome to my pod.

Yeah, I'm a hick. Whatever yo! I'll probably never get to do this again. Might as well revel in every second of how 'the other half' live.

;)

Cake Eyeliner and BB Cream(s)

2011-05-05T22:16:00.000+08:00

Yo!

A while back, I wrote that makeup is a new fascination/hobby for me. How new? I mean, N-E-W. Less than 12 months. I know this becoz the last time I visited Asia, BB creams were just starting to take the continent by storm... and I had no interest in them.

I've come a long way since then and am oddly fascinated by BB creams now. So much so, I bought a mini set of the famous 'Skin79' brand to try. Now, the caveat is that I've got nothing to compare their efficacy to. Many blogs and youtubers describe their efficacy in terms of 'coverage', especially in relation to foundation.... but I don't use foundation. Not just "don't use" but have never used. Never. I've never even purchased foundation.

Wha???

Frankly, I was put off foundation by the number of women walking around with a disparate colored faces and necks. I wasn't sure I could blend the stuff properly... and have also come to realise that since I have oddly clear skin, I really don't need any. Goths abhor the sun...and I never stopped avoiding it... I think this avoidance has, on it's own, contributed greatly to my even, blemish-free skin. (yeah, and the rest is luck and genes)....

What the hell am I saying?... I'm saying that I don't think anything of the 4 BB creams I've tried. They came out of the tube in beige-grey. All were the same shade. They were already perfectly matched to my face when I stick 'em on there. I rub 'em in with my fingers. How does it look? The way it did before. I actually tried a different BB on each cheek and left my forehead bare for comparison. No difference.

I'm not sure what the point of these is. Sorry. I'm gonna try to finish all 4 tubes so I can perhaps make a few more useful comments though :)

On to CAKE EYELINER...

This former goth has a 90% unused Clinique cake eyeliner from her heyday. A year ago, I bought a squeeze tube of Napoleon Perdis' Cake Eyeliner Sealer becoz I was thrilled to discover that cake eyeliner still existed as an entity.... Then, I recently watched a youtube video abt tightlining and cake eyeliner... WHOA! *brilliant idea*

;)

I didn't have too much success with this stuff the first time around.

I only ever mixed it with water and was clumsy - it was invariably watery and would sting my eyes when it dribbled in. Hey, I wasn't one of the goths with gorgeous makeup. *Sigh* But many years later, with a push eyeliner brush + sealer and I'm impressed. Cake eyeliner is dry stuff. Even more so than some eyeshadows IMHO. Some may disagree but I have no reason to think this has been cultivating anything sinister during its premature retirement. At any rate, it goes on beautifully this time around and does not sting.

Of all my eyeliners - and eyeliner is one of the few makeup items I've continued to use with reasonable frequency since goth-hood - this is one of the best. It doesn't smudge on my tightline and it stays all day. It's non-irritating. And I'm glad I have 90% of it left so I can start trying the brands that are around like Ben Nye, Stargazer.

;)

Ok gang, till next time!

PS: Anyone out there have any BB cream or cake eyeliner thoughts/comments?

Crazy like a... clean freak?

2011-04-27T16:02:00.002+08:00

So, who remembers a time before anti-bacterial hand gel?

I do!!

I actually remember being given a gift of a Bath & Body Works (henceforth BBW) 'Cucumber Melon' toiletries for X'mas in 2002 which contained a bottle of anti-bacterial hand gel. It was the first time I'd ever seen or heard of the stuff. I honestly thought the gifter was a little eccentric and the item a little 'niche' (for those crazy nannas out there)...Fast-forward 9 years later and the gel has become integral in my working + general life....

But somehow, I've never found anything better than the BBW version.

Australia is either too slow or too stupid or too restrictive/protectionist to allow in the BBW company. Of course, there is also the possibility that the company exists in a bigger city and/or that BBW has simply never cared to come to here... My point is, however, that there are only 4-5 companies which put antibacterial hand gel onto my local stores' shelves - Lifebuoy, Aqium, Purell are the main contenders ... although everyone's getting in on it and some chemists/drugstores who do their own.

I've tried all their hand gels. And although they may add in 'moisturizing' aloe, they all pretty much smell the damn same - like serious alcohol. Some even leave a slimy film on your hands to boot. Why there are no more pleasantly scented versions available here remains a mystery to me.

I've been spoilt by ol'BBW, and so actually buy their pocketbacs online. I know for a fact that there are nice scents and non-slimey textures available! ;) And the overall price difference is approx 50cents per mini bottle (usually less). Yeah, seriously, 50cents. For an item I would have to use (for work) a minimum of 20 times per day (and so generally use whatever is at work), and which I would choose to use for an additional, perhaps 5.

I've since also noticed that BBW now also makes anti-bacterial hand lotion. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why don't we get any of this stuff (or the equivalent) in Australia???? .....This stuff is GENIUS. Hands dry and gross? -- Anti-bac hand lotion to the rescue!

..Ahem.... I'm digressing...

I found out the other day that BBW is discontinuing my beloved 'Cucumber Melon'. The scent that started it all. The original and still my favourite. Evocative of both cleanliness and nostalgia. ... So I reacted by buying 8 bottles. I would have bought more had they been available.

Anyway here's pictorial proof of both my sadness and obsession.

Finally, boooooo to you BBW, for stopping production on a classic scent. Simple and unencumbered. So much better than the overpowering " Twilight Woods" and the too-sweet "Twisted Peppermint".

Tis the end of an era.

PS: of the locally available varieties, 'Chemist's Own' offers the most olfactory pleasure. And is non-slimey to boot. It has a cute chubby bottle and is the only one I'd buy again.

Lip balm/ gloss collection (and some reviews)

2011-04-24T23:48:00.003+08:00

This is approx 80% of my lip product collection.

Why on earth would I take a pic of this? Becoz I'm obsessed with lip stuff and wanted to see how bad/good my collection is ;)

Oddly enough, I'm terrified of lipSTICK and don't own any. But I more than make up for it with balms and glosses. Why the fear? It's a long story. And not necessarily the most rational one either... but I digress...

My lip stuff obsession is long term and ongoing. I have occasional allergies to lip stuff too. I can't use Body Shop lip balms for example.

Anyway, some notables...

Helle honey lip balm:
Affectionately known as 'the bumble bee'. I bought this balm for the very first time in the apple flavour actually. When I was living in Prague in 2004/5. It's a lovely lip balm I've never reacted to. Always glides on and is moisturizing... and it always reminds me of my adventures in Europe. ...So of course, I was thrilled to buy it again when I went back to Prague this year.

EOS Lemon Drop with SPF 15
There's a lot of hype abt 'the egg' lip balms. I admit I was suckered into buying it thanks to that.

But that's ok becoz I love this lip balm. It's not practical but certainly innovative and cute packaging. I find the lemon scent/flavour believable and pleasant. The balm goes on very smoothly and doesn't smell chemically/waxy as balms with SPF sometimes do.

I always use something with SPF during the day so it's nice that more companies are producing such products.

Neutrogena MoistureShine Lip Soothers (SPF 20)
I actually have these in 3 colors. They aren't sold in Australian shops and I've had to buy these online. But, as is the way with most things bought online & from overseas when you live here, they're actually no more expensive than any glosses in the stores.

I love these. I bought them becoz I wanted a hint of color + SPF.

They really only offer a hint of color. Seriously. Which means it kinda doesn't matter what color you choose. But there's something slightly tingly in the gloss' formula itself which I love.. and it makes my lips go a little pink too... so the overall color effect is greater.

Smiths 'Minted Rose' lip balm
I don't like the taste or scent of roses but I really like this balm. It tingles gently when it goes on, is moisturizing, adds a hint of very realistic/natural color.

I go thru phases when I avoid balms in tubs though. Mainly in summer becoz it gets so hot here, it's possible the balm (any balm) has liquified within the tin/container.... EW.

TonyMoly "Berry Berry Magic Lip Tint" in Green Apple
Ok, daggy confession --- I love products which change color. I never got a
hypercolor t-shirt as a kid so I never got the bug out of my system ;)

This is gel lip balm. It's green in the tub. Actually, I love the color it becomes - it's a bright pink. It's reasonably moisturizing but nothing to get excited abt.

Downside? -- You need a lip brush with this becoz if you use your finger, the warmth from it will change some of the balm in the tub. Yep.

....Anyway, I haven't used all of the products pictured... but here are some highlights. And if I really dislike the products, I throw them away.

Crackle Nail Polish: a comparison, review and some nail polish thoughts

2011-04-22T22:00:00.004+08:00

As you know, I'm partial to a little bit of nail polish.

Truth be told, I never stopped loving it in black especially coz once a goth, always a goth. So when I started seeing black crackle/ shatter nail polish around, I thought this was heaven sent. A little less intimidating than plain black and a nice way to enjoy a bright color too...

But I'm one cheap-ass mo-fo so I looked around for cheaper/drugstore versions. I ended up with the BYS version. I didn't buy the set pictured here (I just bought the black on its own)... but I've since I've binned mine, so this is a stock photo.

The BYS version was _crap_. It barely cracked no matter what I did to it. It didn't come with instructions so I looked up tips on how to use crackle/shatter nail polish online. Some sites recommended painting the crackle layer on while the previous coat is still damp. Some sites said the opposite. All recommended thin coats. ... I did all that, and still, nothing. It did crack - not enough to reveal any of the color beneath but enough to be rough to the touch.

Also, despite top coat, the BYS version started to chip/ flake off within 24hours. Literally.

BAH!

I've never bought a BYS nail polish before so I don't know what their 'normal' colors are like but their crackle/shatter version has nothing to recommended it. Yeah, the bottle was $5 ... but what's the point if it doesn't do what it promises?

I wasn't taking this defeat lightly, however, as I'd seen so many great pics with black crackle + color pop beneath... so I took the plunge and bought the polish which I think started it all --- OPI's "Black Shatter". It worked out to be $11 including shipping from eBay for a full sized bottle.

This one came with instructions and was idiot-proof. 1 coat... and instant perfection. The khaki green color I'd chosen as the 'base' shone thru.... So, the OPI version was worth __every single cent___

Which brings me to a rather sad conclusion....

I tend to buy drugstore nail polishes. I'm enticed by colors, not brands, so if something catches my eye, I tend to buy it. I've had some great finds this way... but also noticed that there _is_ a difference in quality.

My previous top coat came from Rimmel. It was a quick dry version and I thought it was pretty good. Nail polishes took ages to dry all the way thru but I thought that was just nail polish in general. ...When it ran out though, I started using the OPI version (the standard version ie. not quick dry) which I had bought for cheap while overseas last year.... The difference was INSANE.

The OPI version dries incredibly quickly. And when that happens, the whole nail is dry. Dry enough to press with a finger and not mark. It doesn't matter which brand of colored polish I use in conjunction. The OPI version also seems slightly runnier in consistency, which is neither good nor bad, but it means it goes on much more smoothly.

*sigh* I hate it when I can't find a way to save a buck... but there you have it. A more expensive/ non-drugstore brand has shown itself to be superior and now I can't go back. Not with the top coats or base coats anyway ;)

Last point: a tip for using the shatter/ crackle polish. Do a layer of top coat on over the 'color' (ie. before you do the shatter/crackle coat). It DOES make a difference --- the base color really pops.

Addendum: The Opi polish does dry very quickly (which I'm sure is actually how it works) so be sure to close the bottle tightly. It does kinda gunk up on the stem of the brush too. But I love it anyway!

Scyanide and DP do retro

2011-04-19T23:40:00.003+08:00

Hullloo!

In an unprecedented move, within a blog that no one reads, I thought I'd post a couple of pics of one of my dearest friends and I all dressed up for a church opening.

Yep, oddly enough, 2 atheists/agnostics went to the opening of a church this weekend past. It was to support a dear friend. But to ease the awkwardness of the event for the uninitiated, we thought it would be fun to make it a themed event... known only to us beforehand of course ;)

The theme was the gorgeous '50s. Partly in honour of the mostly elderly church core - probably a time they'd remember as their heyday ;)

DP did a crisp, fitted white shirt, grey slacks, suspenders and fabulous fedora.

I did the defined-arch eyebrow, winged eyeliner, red pout and pink cheeks and faux victory rolls. Sadly, I didn't have a red flower for my hair (I don't know how, since I have most colors) but nevermind.

The dress was from Forever21's current collection. It's a delightful navy + white polka dotted number with embroidered red and white flowers down the front. The shoes are red peep toe platform maryjanes. (For the record, I also wear these shoes to work. Yep).

Anyway, we had a wonderful time and thought I should put up a pic or two to commemorate a fun time and one of my first actual makeup looks!

Crazy makeup/ cosmetics haul (aka procastination 2011)

2011-04-05T22:22:00.001+08:00

Gang;

This year, I decided that makeup would be the way I spent my procrastination time + money.

So although I still wear little more than eyeshadow on a daily basis, I decided that it was important to learn how to properly apply makeup. I mean, c'mon ppl, there are (were - hehe) 12 year olds who are/were more familiar and more adept with makeup than me!!!!

Yeah, it definitely is a little weird to watch youtube videos abt how to apply 'high school makeup' and discover that that was more than you wear to WORK. At your profession. After 8 years of university. Hmm.

So here, in no particular order are some of my purchases in the 4 months when I was really studying hard. There's more stuff, let's face it, but I haven't bothered to photograph it all just yet.

'NYC Color' nail polishes

I have had 3 nail polish/nail painting phases in my life thus far - when I was in junior high in the US, when I was in uni here and right now.

I started this particular phase by accident. It actually wasn't part of my procrastination plan, nor do I actually consider this 'makeup'. I've never had nor wanted acrylic nails and I'm not into nail art. ... I bought these becoz one day, my local ___petrol station (a BP)___ had a big bin of them and they were 3 for $6. Which is phenomenal value for money for anything of reasonable cosmetic quality in Australia. (Indeed, I've seen the same brand available from local online cosmetic companies for more money ...and that doesn't include the postage)

I remembered this brand from my time in the US and was charmed to see that it had made it all the way over here.

The 3-for-6 deal really got to me, of course, becoz I now have so goddamn many!!!

The colors I have are:
Green sparkle (the sparkles do not apply quite as densely as one would expect. you need lots of layers), Green goblin (this is a really bright dark lime color. I kinda wished it was a little darker but even with a black base, it's still bright.. but if that's what you're going for, it's great), Charcoal (I'm in love with this color. matte grey - industrial chic. sure you could use it with sparkles, nail art, etc but I like it just as it is), Berrylicious (matte deep purple. love it... retro 60s psychedelia comes to mind), Silver sparkles (oddly enough, the sparkles in this apply with beautiful density), Tin roof (oh my, this color is perfect - gunmetal grey but shimmery - industrial chic take 2), Professor Plum, Broomstick (this is a gorgeous mix between bronze and dusty pink - it's not the sort of thing I would normally pick but it looks great on) , Petticoat and Red Slippers (very fine, bright ruby red glitter polish - lovely over something else).

...If I haven't made a little comment abt these, I haven't tried them yet. They're good quality overall though.

I love these nail polishes and _always_ paint my toenails in summer.

Yay!

Australis Make-up Finishing Spritz

This smelt lovely, was $9.95 and comes in a big, big bottle.

Do I know it if really does anything for my makeup (eyeliner + translucent face powder)? Nope.

But I enjoy spraying it on after I've been out in the hot sun (read: anywhere during the day at the moment) when I want to freshen up but don't necessarily have the time to wash my face and start over.

Would I buy this again? Good lord, ask me when I come closer to finishing it!

Sigma Deluxe Travel Brush Kit

Until now, my makeup brush collection was a mish-mash of hand-me-downs from my mother and the occasional freebie.

Does anyone remember when there was a free set of makeup brushes with a magazine like "Marie Claire" or "Madison"? I don't read those mags normally, but thought that it would be good value to buy one for the brush kit. Yep. It wasn't that good an idea.

I've had to slowly replace my brushes with a combo of stuff from EcoTools, Gloss, ELF and Sigma.

These brushes are lovely, the kit it all comes in is lovely. I've used them all... once. Each. Becoz I'm not travelling anywhere and don't really want to go thru the hassle of washing then storing them repeatedly when just trying on makeup in my bathroom.

PS: IMHO, not every brush in a kit will work out. I've got an Ecotools kit - love the eyeliner brush, love the mini eyeshadow brush. Not impressed by the blush/ face powder brush.

I think brushes are a very individual thing. So don't go out there assuming that a ton of money or a posh brand will be the solution.

...Ok... PHEW. That's it for now.

Movie madness part 2 (aka house-sitting at Dan's)

2011-04-04T00:40:00.000+08:00

EASY A

I wanted to see this film. It seemed like it would be it would be harmless fun.

I was surprised though becoz this was excellent. So excellent I want it on DVD.

It was intelligent, funny, charming. The lead was bright and ballsy. I loved all the characters especially the lead's parents who were so cool I actually thought abt how being a parent myself. (if I could just be that awesome too... of course, I'd have to like/want/acquire kids... but I'm digressing)

I remember that this received positive reviews when it came out.. and I actually wanted to see it. But I was lazy, cheap and frankly, working too frickin' much at the time.

But I'm glad I got to it in the end.

BURN AFTER READING

Sometimes a film touted as having "an all star cast" lives up to the hype. 'Love Actually' is proof positive.

Sometimes, it just fizzles out and leaves you cold. ...This was the latter.

I remember the trailer for this quite clearly. It made the film look good. I was looking forward to watching this... but it turns out that all the best bits were in the trailer and there was little else except annoying filler.

The characters were either bland or just unlikeable. Francis McDormand's character was kooky but not especially endearing, as was Brad Pitt's. Tilda Swinton's character was so snotty and cold, I was disappointed when she didn't actually get killed... and everyone else was insignificant. That's right, fans, even George Clooney.

The plot's premise was cool... in the trailers/previews. The actual plot itself was just messy.

Ugh.

Not so terrible I'd turn if off midway (a la 'Confessions of a Shopaholic') but certainly dry enough that I'd advise friends and family not to bother.

... It's occurred to me that my reviews over the last 2 days may give the impression that I'm really quite the vacuous airhead... at least in terms of my film choices.

I have my share of more intellectual pursuits and media. I also like to unwind and not feel like I want to kill myself after watching deep/depressing/thought-provoking arthouse films.

There you go. Take 'em for what they're worth.

Rantings of a lunatic

2011-04-01T16:55:00.000+08:00

Alrighty;

I'm at my friend Dan's housesitting.

Dan has an entertainment system like no other and he's letting me use it.

Muahahah.

So I've done a mini movie marathon that continues as I type.

No one reads this (except you, DL, god only knows why) so I figured I'd just start writing whatever catches my fancy.

Movie thoughts:

BLACK SWAN

Really disturbing. I had not believed a film abt professional ballet could be so disturbing but it was. I was nervous going to get takeaway after, it was that disturbing. It made me think of all my craziness in high school and early uni... and how I was never that bad. But then again, I wasn't competing for anything.

BTW Mila Kunis was freaking gorgeous.

And the main lesbian action happens at 1h8mins. Just so you know. Yep.

But still, this was a film I won't be watching again.

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC

This looked like it could be fun. But it was so painful and tedious that I stopped after abt 25mins.

Something abt behaving like a bimbo and wearing incredibly gaudy clothing was incredibly irritating. Not everyone can pull it off. Certainly, no one in this film could. And who would believe that a girl like that would get a job at a investment magazine?

WHIP IT

Ok, this looked fun.

I wasn't incredibly keen on seeing it becoz there was recently a lot of hype abt Ellen Page and her role in 'Juno'. Forgive me but i'm not a fan of pregnancy films so i've never seen it... but I'm digressing...

I loved 'Whip It'. It was a lot of fun. Ellen Page and Alia Shawkat were great. The whole supporting cast was great.

It was kinda painful to see scenes of Austin, TX... recognize them... and realize that I only saw them the 2nd and 3rd time I was there.... when I _no longer_ fricking lived there. (Goddamn that year of being trapped indoors by my ex!) A whole year doing godknowswhat. Humph.

I am also smart enough to know that fun though the film looked, I was an average roller-skater in the past... I'm incredibly unlikely to have improved in the last 20 years.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

For something with Jessica Simpson in it, this film isn't too bad at all.

The lead guy is very cute.

I'm thinking that I should hang out more at the equivalent of Costco. Of course, the fact that I've actually been to our local 'Shop n Save' and saw few ppl breathing, let alone cute is really neither here nor there!

......... Geez, I gotta get out more.

If it hasn't already happened. I'm turning into a phenomenal shut-in.

Central Europe: the tally part 1

2011-01-06T17:55:00.000+08:00

Plane hours: 16hours each way.
Wait time in airport: 4 hours each way.

Stuff watched on plane:
Salt
Killers (30mins thereof - it was too painful to watch more)
Cairo Time
Sherlock episode 1

Ninja Assassin (this was better than the lame name suggests)
Iron Man 2
Step Up 3
Day & Knight (30mins thereof - this was also very painful)
Sherlock episodes 2-3

Music of the trip (like it or lump it):
Firework (Katy Perry) - lump it. A lot.
Time of My Life (wretched remix by Black Eyed Peas) - lump it
Hot & Fun (Nelly Furtado & Pharrell) - yuck.
Barbra Streisand (Duck Sauce) - still like this. Prob a good thing I left when I did.
Like a G6 (Far East Organization) --- dear retards, why aren't you all in fucking medical/law school studying your asses off like good Asian kids? The rest of us are/were. And not making worthless music abt fucking planes we'd be ill-advised to purchase. Wankers. ...PS: I note the hot girl in your videos is not in your band.

Bags bought:
2 - the Freitag tasche I've waited 6 years for (you expensive little monster) and the giant caribeeeener-bearing George, Gina, Lucy bag.

Cheesy shirts bought:
1 - blue children's sweatshirt with cartoon map of Austria. Size 6-8 kids. *Picture definitely to follow

About me: 25 Things

2010-12-16T01:57:00.000+08:00

Since I can't be bothered changing my profile (a lot of little boxes to fill in is annoying), but think there should be a little insight into me, however odd, since no one reads this as far as I can tell...

1.) I love the Russian language. I don't know if I have any special thoughts/feelings abt Russian culture or the Russian ppl (absolutely no offense intended) but I love the language. I've spent my entire like knowing that there was nothing else I'd rather learn and no place on earth I'd rather be than Russia (where I could be linguistically emersed). I can remember being 4 years old and loving the language already, never having heard it... and my parents being amused and horrified both.

2.) I learnt the cyrillic alphabet in a lunchtime 'class' at the University of Texas in Austin which was run as a publicity excercise. I had been waiting for this my whole life, after all, so I actually did know it 30mins later.

3.) I called the Red Crescent when I was 16 and had just finished high school to see if I could volunteer in Russia. They were horrified, not least becoz I had no medical training or linguistic skill. They told me, very politely, that I should perhaps call again when I either learnt the language or obtained some training.

4.) I went to medical school so i could be like Hawkeye from M*A*S*H - volunteer, disgruntled, on the front lines and helping ppl regardless of financial status, nationality or ethnicity.

5.) I wanted to be a veterinarian or a spy (James Bond) for most of my childhood......... then I wanted to be an archaeologist (Indiana Jones).

6.) My happiest year of school was 8th grade at Wellesley Middle School in Boston. It was one of the few times in my adolescence when I thought I might have actually been cool ;)

7.) I initially hung on to my American accent to protest my having to return to Perth, Western Australia after my time in Wellesley. Now, it's simply a part of me.

8.) I tend to do things becoz they fit into my idea of the 'James Bond skill set' eg. flying planes. I still want to be a spy... but may actually be more like Johnny English ;)

9.) I am apparently very 'gay friendly'.

10.) I'm a romantic in the truest sense of the word. Forget crap like flowers, chocolates and Valentines Day, I mean all you need is love and everything will work out fine. I apply this policy wherever I can (eg. my, hopefully, career in cardiolgy) and never worry abt those issues again.

11.) I was once a goth... and I don't think my sensibilities have ever really changed

12.) I have a tattoo that says "veritas' on the inside ofmy right wrist. I wish it were larger.

13.) I had two 'adoptive families' while growing up away from my mother - The Jankots and the Poole-Johnsons. I've never stopped loving both and have never forgotten how kind they were to me.

14.) I was glad when my parents divorced. I wished it was sooner.

15.) I have mad respect and love for single parents doing it tough and I am always incensed when ppl diss them.

16.) I discovered a love for languages in Taiwan. Taiwan changed my mind abt the Chinese language, the Chinese ppl and abt my own abilities. Suffice it to say, my stay there forever changed my life.

17.) I was once engaged, and I've never really forgiven myself for not being better to my ex when the engagement/relationship ended

18.) I'm spoilt. Somehow, even with a single parent, i've had almost every opportunity imaginable. ...I don't really have a proper appreciation of this even now and require constant reminding.

19.) I hate ppl who are obsessed with brands becoz they're snobs/wannabes: I hate brands. I hate snobs and I hate ppl incapable of dressing themselves without.

20.) I discovered, at 2am on a saturday in 2007, that I love cardiology almost as much as Russian.

21.) I love soft, furry things (and that includes reptiles). One of my fave memories is of being in Kuala Lumpur with my friend Jehan and getting to rub the nose of an iguana in a pet store. In my mind's eye all animals are gorgeous, have fluffy ears and long whiskers... even that iguana.

22.) My 3 friends from my childhood in Singapore have a huge place in my heart. They know everything abt me and stuck by me when I was at my most dickheaded and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

23.) I dress to theme. I got thru mod phases, 1950s phases, fetish phases and dress accordingly... even now. I'm always ready for that theme party that never actually happens except in my imagination ;)

24.) I have never stopped loving (not the same as 'being in love with') my first boyfriend, Shane. He remains one of the funniest, kindest, coolest ppl I have ever known, and our enduring friendship is the yardstick against which I have measured all others since.

25.) I have trouble trusting ppl.

Addendum to recent product reviews ;)

2010-12-12T23:00:00.002+08:00

Hmm.

I've thought abt the Tarte and Eyeko products a little more since re-reading my Skinfood Stain entry...

So there are a couple more thoughts: I like the Tarte stain. I really do. But it was MORE expensive per gram than the SkinFood version, and not quite as user-friendly IMO.

I would def still use it though. And I don't regret buying it.

The Eyeko 3-in-1 cream I still really like for some reason. Something abt a big tub of slightly shimmer stuff that I can apply almost everywhere in dabs really charms me. I like its texture as a highlighter. And I think it's foolproof when used sparingly.

The Eyeko Fat Balm.

You know, this is probably the thing I'm not sure abt buying again.

I love that it has SPF.

But its slight waxy taste is a turn off.

Then again, it looks lovely when applied lightly to the lips & cheeks...

Hmm.

(this is pretty ironic since I do actually have other Fat Balms already en route to me - such was my earlier enthusiasm!)

Still, it wasn't too expensive, and I'm really enchanted by the stubby package.

As a travel item, I think it's a winner. Day-to-day, when I have my entire bathroom worth of products to choose from, perhaps not.

'Nuff said ;)

Oooh: Skinfood FreshFruit Lip & Cheek Stains

2010-12-11T20:53:00.000+08:00

There was a little surprise in the mail for me yesterday.

My long-awaited SkinFood Fresh Fruit Lip & Cheek Stains!!!

I'm really into Asian cosmetics coz they often have cute packaging, target skin concerns I have (eg. brightening products or things with high SPF) and are often more affordable.

Skinfood is one of those cult brands from Korea.

I don't know when I would have started trying their products had it not been for my recent interest in makeup.

I'd read several great reviews abt these little tins (eg. from Konglish Beauty) and thought, what the heck!

Firstly, they're much smaller than I thought. Including postage, they worked out to be abt US$12.50 including postage. They're 6grams each. I'm new to makeup so I wasn't sure how much that was... turns out, not much. In fairness, I probably don't want or need a tub of stain though ;)

Anyway, they're nice and creamy when gently rubbed with a finger (like you would with lip balm) - more so than the Tarte stain. Easily liquified and applied. I didn't feel like I was dragging at my skin at all when applying these.

I very much agree with other bloggers that recommend Pomegranate as the go-to color, if you only get one. It looks dark but is a very lovely rich pink. Very buildable and natural on the lips and cheeks. Gives that 'pop' perfectly.

Apricot is the first and only product I have that has more of a peach/orange (haha apricot, of course) tone. I wasn't sure if it would suit me and true enough, it sorta doesn't. I love it as a cheek stain. I actually think this is just subtle enough for work. It's gonna be a staple for sure. Natural, subtle, pleasant. .... As a lip stain? --- recall my earlier rant abt nude lips. It's not quite that bad, but it does have that sorta effect.

Out of the 3 different brands of 'stain' I've bought so far, these are by far my faves. The nicest texture and the absolutely easiest to blend on cheeks. Absolutely no waxy taste on the lips either.

Bonus? They also had a hint of cute, fruity scent.

Teehee, with each new product I buy, I find a new fave. Now I would DEFINITELY buy these again... not the Tarte, not the Eyeko. Just coz I have to rationalize the makeup purchases.

Random makeup thought

2010-12-11T18:59:00.001+08:00

I hate the concept of the "nude lip".

Why frickin' bother putting on any coloured product if that's what you want? LIP BALM also achieves the nude lip. Seeing as that would actually make the lip...nude.

Idiotic concept.

Just wanted to vent.

Coz the other things I could talk abt mainly involve a hatred of the Human Resource Dept at work, my up-coming exams or my love of puppy feet.

Nude-lip-hate is better ;)

(and no, I buy lots of stuff... but none of the stuff in the pic is mine)

Tarte Cheek Stain: Tipsy

2010-12-06T18:47:00.000+08:00

So, I buy these things in travel/mini sizes coz one day soon, I'm sure the novelty of wearing makeup will dissipate.

But lemme just say, I like this VERY much.

I bought it online, having chosen the color that was most frequently recommended.

I like this more than the Eyeko version (as a cheek stain) which is nowhere near as light in texture... or color (but that could have just been the ones I've chosen).

This is much more build-able and very very light.

Even though it looks like a crazy orange, sparkly color - it works out very natural and lovely.

Ooooooh.

Ok... must stop buying things ;)

Nope, no nothing

2010-12-05T19:31:00.000+08:00

Proud moment yesterday in which I pulled undersirables at the work Xmas party BUT also had the foresight and general sense not to do anything abt them.

Good lord, some lukas-like character and then some chubber.

(nothing against chubbers - all the other descriptors I can think of at the moment are a little specific and may allow identification).

I guess it's reassuring that I'm not dead to the general singles population. But I'm clearly attractive to/targeting the wrong groups.

I wonder often if my mistake is being universally friendly at these things. Was/ is Russell Peters right?

Anyway, I digress - this entry is really more abt my sad realization that after literally, 1 vodka shot, 2 glasses of champagne (on an empty stomach), I awoke this morning with another hangover. The headache component was small.. but still puked and needed a lot of sleep.

I didn't even feel especially drunk last night.

I hate how I'm old now and a total lightweight.

I think I'm gonna have to limit my party drinking to 1 glass of something only! I mean, really?!

Pathetic!

Today

2010-12-02T20:07:00.000+08:00

Today I did something new.

And bold.

And gutsy.

And although I think it wasn't a roaring success, I've learnt something from it.

I'm not quite sure what yet. But I've learnt something. It's probably something abt "trying new things" or some such rot. But it was an uncomfortable, necessary experience.

I've got balls too.

Big balls.

And soon, I might have more. (although sorta kinda maybe asking ppl out isn't really what I want to do to earn my stripes, at it were. Or testicles)

Eyeko reviews

2010-11-30T22:32:00.003+08:00

Ok...

So everyone channels their nervous energy into different things. Everytime I have to study, I do something different.

Last year it was bags. Many bags. So many, I can't remember them all and am embarrassed by some of them. (c'mon - when am I gonna use a white leather bag?? 5 mins into an endeavour like that and it'll be covered in pen marks OR blood OR both)

This year, I thought I've let my inner 'girlie-girl' out and try makeup. Not that I wear any more to work. But it's taken over a decade for this former goth to work up the courage to even consider some _color_.

So here are my first two reviews:

Eyeko 3-in-1 cream
Fat Balm in Strawberry

BALM: I'm obsessed with tinted lip balm with SPF right now so I really wanted to try this.

I'd read mixed reviews.

BTW I'm a lip balm person first. Maybe getting into the glosses. Have never used lipstick (never - it's a long story)

... the verdict: LOOVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEE this. No really. I find it moist going on, color obvious yet subtle (kissable pout). As a blush, lovely. I'm not used to seeing myself in blush but I love the color. It was easy to blend and buildable if you're a klutz like me (vs cheek stains. good lord, what a mess)

I think it has a very light strawberry scent (with a little waxiness added for good measure).

I'm so thrilled, I'm buying 2 more colors!

Eyeko 3-in-cream: Although advertised as such, I wouldn't use this alone as a moisturizer coz it's got lots of shimmer. I love the shimmer so I'd consider using this as a highlighter (eyebrows, cheekbones).

Several reviewers have found it dry. I see what they mean but disagree. It's not very moisturizing and dries quickly but mixed with a little something else, it has potential.

Not quite sure how I will incorporate it into my daily life, but I like it. It's a big tub. I prob won't buy it again only becoz I can't imagine finishing it!

...Finally, I bought these while browsing an Australian online cosmetics store. No issues with the company... but these are still cheaper bought online from the UK and shipped over to Oz ;)

Ok gang, new approach...

2010-11-21T11:54:00.000+08:00

Righto.

I don't actually think many ppl read this. Certainly not too many of my real life friends.

So as a quirk, I'm gonna share stuff my real life friends don't really know abt. (and I guess if they read this, they'll find out after all...)

Nothing too exciting.

Just thought I'd start doing little review abt, well, mostly the stuff I buy. Coz I love reading other ppl's reviews. They always aid my decision making process when buying online. And since I live in a god-forsaken area, I have to buy a lot of stuff online coz the stores have dismal selections.

So, on that note... let's begin..... :0)

I've worked out

2010-10-10T16:40:00.000+08:00

That I buy more crap when I'm unhappy. A none too subtle attempt to fill a/the void in my heart and life.

I remain unhappy.

And my house is full of crap.

There has to be a better way.

I am

2010-10-10T11:54:00.002+08:00

a) Anxious.

b) Tired.

c) Unhappy.

d) Procrastinating

e) all of the above

Back home - bring on the depressive funk

2010-10-04T22:53:00.001+08:00

***SIGH****

Day 1 back home after the rather painful realisation that I've wasted several years on a nonsense relationship... camped out in some small town... fixated on some stupid career crap... and become old before my time.

Done nothing, travelled nowhere and now am all alone, having not made a new, NON-work friend since leaving university. (and let's face it, doctors aren't actually fascinating fun)

F*ck this.

Seriously. What have I done?

So I'm camped out in my stupidly large house trying to study for some exam. So I can fill my life with more work. In my small town. No hope of doing anything social becoz I'm mostly at work OR don't want to meet any more doctors/allied health/2-degrees-of-seperation f*ckwits.

No way.

I truly have become everything I abhored.

Sunday and today

2010-09-29T20:53:00.001+08:00

Sunday just gone was my first good day here in Melb.

I never thought my mood sensitive to the sun but there I was, smiling as I strolled down Swanston in the sunlight. I figure a combination of the sun, my new haircut, a break from lectures and no longer being hungover all contributed. It was my happiest moment here ever... and I've realized that I've been to Melb at least half a dozen times since graduating. Perhaps more.

All those times, and I really remember being happy just once.

But that one time made me think abt how nice it is to walk down the street in a big city. Anonymity and individuality all in one.

It made me realize how much I miss big cities... and even if Melb isn't mine... maybe it's time to start looking for one again.

I think that in a big city, Pig and I could find true love. Or contentment and a place for each other.

New Hair

2010-09-25T18:12:00.000+08:00

As many girls do when feeling low (hey, there's nothing like failing the FCRAP and then doing Deltamed to make you feel shit), I got my hair done.

And when I done I mean REdone.

For the first time in my life, I just said "don't give me a mullet, but otherwise, go crazy!"

All this was done sotto voce, however, since I was hungover.

Anyway, mad props to Dens and De who recommended the place and the artiste - now I have a haircut (complete with undercut) that's officially too cool for both me and school ;)

Melbourne

2010-09-23T19:26:00.000+08:00

Being here for study is depressing.

It's so hard to stay focused and motivated for hours on end.. and to fight that sneaking sense of self doubt that says "you didn't pass before and you knew this stuff... think you're gonna pass now?"

It's a big city that has a habit of making you feel small too...

But I am still revelling in the anonymity and the freedom of it all... when allowed to roam.

So what will make me think I'll pass this time?

I am well aware

2010-09-16T21:41:00.001+08:00

That getting tipsy, by myself, on a 'school night' is poor form.

But I only did it so that I would sleep like the dead... refreshed and ready for 48hours of consistent work, cardiology style.

(does anyone ever read this?)

sigh

2010-09-16T20:07:00.000+08:00

no one loves me.

sometimes i don't care.

this just isn't one of those times.

Trying too hard

2010-09-15T21:48:00.000+08:00

Got told yesterday by one of my bosses - previously frightening giant of a man - that I was trying to hard.

Ordinarily something like that would have crushed me but he was so very nice abt it. And managed to couch it all somehow.

It stung a little. But somehow I came out of it thinking ... gee... if ever there was a simple way to improve, this is it.

I'd actually never been told that by any boss ever. Admittedly, I'm very rarely trying as hard as I am now.

So there you go, possibly the first time I've ever taken constructive criticism as just that.

Send someone to love me

2010-09-13T20:20:00.000+08:00

I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

....Years ago, I spend a summer in Taipei by myself. This song came out then. And I used to walk thru the neon-lit streets and think abt how it perfectly captured my world.

I don't think my life ever really changed since then.

Annoying

2010-09-05T22:13:00.001+08:00

Geez, I spent all this time trying to think hard abt a particular referral - was I missing something? Could I manage it better? Hmm. What other info was/is needed?....

And after all that, all my boss had to say was "Sunday afternoon is not the time for brilliance. Just admit them."

Huh.

I don't have many brilliant moments, I'm sorry you're cranky to have me call you all the time on Fathers' Day but cut me some slack - I'm trying to keep crap out of your department!

So, what's it like...?

2010-09-03T20:20:00.007+08:00

What's it like being alone?

Well, for the first time I can recall since it I became single again, it made me sad.

I was walking Mr Pig. Still dressed in scrubs (becoz how can I improve on that kinda comfort), winter coat on top, ipod going. And getting into the music, I realized that I have no one to share that with. Just no one. Arguably, I didn't have anyone to share my music with before. But still... there I was on the poorly lit suburban streets, all alone.

I've realized that most of the time, I'm at work. Either truly busy or just not quite busy enough becoz I'm feeling neurotic. But I'm at work. And so I forget. That it's just Pig and I.

I never thought I'd be one of those ppl who'd give a shit abt having a partner. And that's prob not even really it. It's more like having the interaction, the living presence... something other than myself.

Pig's a delightful distraction. But on those days when I'm just too tired to walk too far...

Sometimes I just wish someone would hug me.

Hug away the darkness, the loneliness, the cold of the overnight on-call, the self-doubt and self-loathing. Make me believe, however briefly, that my exams and my training program be damned, I'll be happy anyway.

Woohoo! I love you, Endo Thermal cooker.

2009-06-02T20:39:00.003+08:00

OK... I finally got around to using something called the 'Endo Thermal Cooker' which my mom gave me last year.

I had the impression from what my mom said, that it would be some kinda crock pot/pressure cooker. I had been avoiding it becoz I feared the erroneous opening of the pressure cooker... and the ensuing burns. ... Anyway, I was so was really surprised when i found it didn't require ANY power source. I thought "good lord, I'm gonna give myself food poisoning again.."

But.... nah...

The cooker did everything it promised. Cooked without over-cooking and kept everything delightfully warm.. even after I abandoned it for one and a half hours.

Love it!!!!!!!! Massive fan!!! It even had a deceptively large capacity!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! Now I just wanna find an excuse to use it again!

Gosh my mom rocks. Even if she doesn't cook ;)

Much to be thankful for

2009-01-08T23:59:00.003+09:00

I'm grateful every day that the friendship I had with my dear first boyfriend remains unchanged... even now, 10 years after we split.

Many ppl don't even have friends for 10 years but we've had it all and are close, then as now.

Hey, at least I got it right once.

Mad love, as always.

Obama the new US President

2008-11-05T16:43:00.004+09:00

I'm not an American citizen but this election made me wish I was so I could also cast my vote for Barack Obama.

I woke this evening after night shift to hear the news and am so thrilled. I feel so oddly emotional abt this election, as if I should ticker-tape my street and go around hugging ppl.

I'm thrilled the American public proved so many outside wrong - that they would vote for someone young, mixed race and anti-Iraq-war-continuance.

There's hope for us all.

Mad respect.

I'm so happy.

2008-10-14T21:07:00.002+08:00

Today, my super fun ward clerk, an engineering student gave my stationery from Smiggle to aid in my supposed 'study'.

This is one of the sweetest gestures I've ever seen anyone make, much less towards me.

I was totally awkward abt the whole thing and i'm still trying to figure out what to give her on my last day (Friday). She's just awesome and I've had so much fun just being daft with her while on the wards.... She made me realize that I can't help who I am - even if i wanted to project a harder, tougher exterior at work.

Aww...

Aw shucks

2008-09-19T22:55:00.002+08:00

It's my last day of Hepatol and the term has grown on me...

Huge props to SD who's one of the nicest regs I've ever encountered and just an all round nice guy. It's not a lot of regs who go to bat for their residents, and I hope I'll be the same when it comes my turn.

Never had a card saying I was a good junior either so even more credit to SD.

Ah. If only all of work could be like this.

Cough

2008-08-19T22:42:00.002+08:00

Goddamn I've got a bad cold.

Now I've lost my voice (which I'm sure may be a relief for some) which is kinda annoying. Pity that raspy, sexy state couldn't last longer...

Back at Charlies (home again, home again, jiggety-jig), thank god.... although the return of the various knob-head stalker(s) is an unwelcome thing. ... I wonder why some folks just can't tell the difference betw my joking and actually insulting them.

Bah.

Cough.

lost in translation

2008-07-29T22:47:00.003+08:00

I grow to love this film more every time I watch it.

Watching it, I feel as if I'm in a dream. Returned to the end of second year med school, all alone and full (comparatively) of optimism and hope. Adventure afoot.

Mental note to self: go travelling alone again.

Bah

2008-07-25T22:34:00.001+08:00

I do NOT need a career contingency plan.

A contingency assumes I will either fail or become discouraged. Neither is ever going to happen.

yikes

2008-06-28T15:08:00.004+08:00

righto...

i was bored and thought i'd trawl through the contacts i have to see if i'd missed any who were Facebooking. believe it or not, i actually was wondering abt Angeline and Yongren...

but somehow the system spotted Greg.

there was even a tiny photo and my heart literally stopped for a second. Asystole is an uncomfortable thing.

so, what the hell should i do?

i suddenly realized that i'm prob never gonna stop feeling guilty abt not being more sensitive. maybe there'll never be enough apologies out there. maybe we'll never be cool.

i suppose i was most uncomfortable becoz i never EVER thought i'd encounter him again... in any capacity. but i'm curious too... in a nice way (not the way I'm curious abt Lukas - where I'm wondering where he is so I can run him over in my car, twice)

advice?

2008-06-24T21:00:00.002+08:00

Huge HUGE props to CF who is gonna be one of the nicest specialists ever coz he was nice enough to take a chance on a resident medical officer who wanted in on cardiology.

I've finally won over the boss (sorta) and couldn't have ever done it without.

Pig-pig, pig-pig

2007-10-02T22:14:00.000+08:00

Guess who's moving in?

F-CRAP

2007-09-03T22:17:00.000+08:00

Dammit.....

You made me commit :P

Stupid hearts, why do I love you?

Wombat in Snow

2007-07-11T01:14:00.000+08:00

New house, new job (sorta), stuffed toy wombat and love.

I've got it all.

Screw you bitches, I'm going skiing

2007-05-08T20:07:00.000+08:00

I have decided that next year, I shall go fucking skiing by my fucking self. I don't need no holiday with other people.

I'm going fucking skiing for a week. Ski ski, fucking ski till I get good with no one I know to get annoyed.

Ha ha ha.

Medically tipsy

2007-05-04T23:19:00.000+08:00

This is the album I'm listening to at the moment. There's a lot of songs already on the radio and a few that I don't mind but only one off the album really struck me. "Hurt Me Soul"... which was playing when I drove back tonight from dinner w/ my peeps.

Yep, somehow there was a "haematology department" dinner with the registrars and residents. It was tonight and ostensibly planned so the most straight-laced of the registrars could have a drink-off.

I was there with Acb. The undisputed love of my life.

Having found this person does not mean I'm devoid of crazy.

And sitting there made me realize so many things... the nicest of which was that my co-workers like me. They actually do. Even if I find myself reprehensible.

The alcohol trick did not work tonight and I was embarrassed. I think I looked better (to me) when sober. How sad. I can't even be sexy anymore when drunk.

I wore contact lenses for the first time in maybe a year tonight. It made me realize how foully I have aged. How ugly I have become although perhaps there was not far to fall. It made me embarrassed for Acb as only my neurosis would allow.

But I had so much fun anyway. It made me feel as if I was liked. And maybe I am.

Imagine that.

Insomnia

2007-04-28T01:58:00.000+08:00

I have not been able to sleep since my cold-and-flu-tablets-plus-pseudoephedirine bender circa 1.5 weeks ago.

The week when 2 of my patients had strokes and a third had a presumed gastric outlet obstruction. My reg called in sick and I had to muddle through it all remembering not to cry when my favourite patient died.

I became accordingly paranoid and strung out thanks to the speed.

I have been trying not to take benzos to induce sleep. So even though the sympathomemetic meds have stopped, I remain marginally less paranoid and an insomniac.

I saw that reg again today (there was a changeover) when he brought FRACP candidates around to practice on our full-of-wierd-lumps, haematol patients. The candidates included another of my former regs. They both looked so excited to see me. My ex-haematol reg play-strangled me. The other one was waving madly, then started a conversation with everyone in general abt how i'm "such an interesting person".

I know that this must mean they like me... I just can't fathom why it is I induce that sort of affection. People never just want to chat and have the civilized coffee. They want to play-strangle me and discuss me in front of others.

They're all silly and I like them. I just don't think that this translates into other conversations, elsewhere, when they say "that Vicki's a damn fine/smart/reliable resident.." Nope, the conversations (if any) surely go, "that Vicki's a CRAAAAZY kid. Did you know that she...?"

It's coz I tell my regs things like "I am ok to work now becoz I am all strung-out on cold-and-flu tablets" *bright smile*!

....BTW, the Labyrinth pic refers to the music I've got in the background at the moment. An odd collection of things I think I should learn to play becoz they've got strong guitar parts... and 'As the World Falls Down' from Labyrinth. A film close to my heart, filling my dreams.

Haircut by a maniac

2007-04-13T16:23:00.000+08:00

I got my hair cut by a maniac just now at one of those cheapo places similar to Just Cuts. I think it was called Salon Cuts or something similar.

And I didn't get it cut there becoz I'm cheap (not only becoz I'm cheap) but becoz the last time I paid $150 for a haircut, they gave me a fashionable mullet a la Ashlee Simpson. (yetch)

So I had my hair cut by a nutter of possible Middle Eastern extraction (an incidental note) who told me he loved Korean girls coz they were all hot, clean and he never had to worry abt his 'stuff' (hand gestures towards genitals here). He didn't appear to pay any attention to cutting my hair. Kept saying he felt bloated becoz he'd over-eaten at lunch, blow-dried it in the most haphazard way ever. And yes, it was cheap and I didn't mind him at all but I left uncertain that I shouldn't have gone the $150 fashion mullet a second time.

Fast-forward 1hour later and I've gone home and inspected my hair.

Goddamn it, the guy actually gave me an excellent freaking cut. It looks better than I thought it would, he did exactly what I wanted and still gave it style. It's the right length, the right shape, and some of it falls into my face just like it should.

...Now of course, I"ll have to contend with listening to conversations abt him and his 'stuff' the next time I want something good done.

Doh!

Random Pics of Egypt.

2007-04-08T15:38:00.000+08:00

1st April 2007

2007-04-01T21:49:00.000+08:00

Make me less of a loser.

Nights on CCU

2007-02-03T02:31:00.000+09:00

It's almost 3am and it's testimony to my fondness of the nurses on with me at the moment that I'm able to write my blog on el giante screen computer.

I'm waiting for my new admission so I can go to sleep in the on-call room. An uncomfortable, windowless hole that smells like patients. Or perhaps patients smell like hospital linen. Whatever.

I've got a new obsession. And it's not gotten hold of me quite the way others have in the past. Partly becoz I know myself enough now (hah) to realize that I should tread lightly when starting anything hobby-ish. I've approached it with a mixture of sadness (already picturing the failure) and fear (already feeling lousy abt the failure). ... the whole experience reminds me a lot of learning how to ski.

For anyone who doesn't know me incredibly well, I learnt to ski the only way I know how: by being uncomfortable and angry with myself the whole time. I skiied 8 hours a day for 6 days straight. I hated being frightened of potentially mangled limbs, of fast speeds or other skiiers who saw me at this slightly-past-my-skiing prime dolt. But fuck me, I can actually ski. Becoz I wouldn't give up - nothing would make me feel worse than failure. I would have skiied even if I had broken something.

And for a while afterwards (including the present time), I think abt absconding for another week to some alpine area and going hard again.... so I could be GOOD.

Do I enjoy skiing?

Does it matter?

I don't actually know.

... So flash forward and here I am thinking abt my new hobby.

I've stopped just short of setting myself "goals"... at least, formally. I've stopped just short of letting half-formed criticisms be vocalized. I've stopped just short of my fingers bleeding and my going deaf. But only becoz I felt as if trying till I was satisfied would leave me in tears, my fingers shredded and myself incapable of working, so shot my self-esteem.

I don't need hobbies.

I love talking to other people who find that there are achievable things eg. learning to play golf, learning to dance and therefore dancing and golfing, which can be done in a relaxed fashion. These are well-adjusted people. Normal people. ... people I don't relate to.

...............................................................

Maybe I should study?

But I mean, WTF for?

...............................................................

http://www.bunnyshop.org/ AND stuff

2007-01-21T13:35:00.000+09:00

(this pic is not from said page)

Not sure what this webpage is really abt. It seems to be run by some slightly eccentric college student with strong opinions on fashion.

It's not quite my fashion, per se, since I fancy myself rather kitsch-indie/punk/goth/alternative (when in reality, I am WASP-ish, well-heeled cracker central, except not white)... but it is fascinating. Perhaps even morbidly so. I cannot tear myself away from odd, 3rd person mini-rants on brands I've never heard of (are they available for less than $30? then why would I freaking care), styles I didn't know were coming in, much less going out or being taken to the street.

In a similar vein... you know, we doctor-y types actually do have the spare one or two Gs that could ostensibly be blown on odd things like "classic" handbags from funny brands like Chloe. But is that really what we really want to be doing with our cash? ......... NO, becoz there's no such thing as a "classic bag" unless your fashion sense died long ago when Chanel's power suits were a new thing. Goddamn it people, you're not gonna want the same freaking shit at 25 as at 45, and if you do, either you're dead or your boring and lack innovation and originality.

...Goddamn, I've got to stop reading that page. It makes me silly... and poncy. And I sure as hell wasn't like that before ;)

In other news, my darling dad (step) became a nominated member of parliment 2 days ago. And while my family are apolitical and my father decidedly lacking in political ambition, this is just one of those cute, silly things that happens, I guess. Apparently, there's news media footage http://straitstimes.asiaone.com/ but it seemed largely focused on other candidates :P. Poo.

My dad's a star though, and having gained him only a few years back through marriage, I feel forever young whenever he's discussed.. or seen, or teased. As if my childhood could be re-lived, recaptured and made right just becoz he's here now.

Finally, I thought I'd say again that I've found the love of my life and his, like my papa's, existence makes many things right.

Fool

2007-01-09T23:18:00.000+09:00

15 minutes ago I realized that there are indelible things abt me.

A car spun out in front of mine. Across all lanes of freeway north. There was smoke and the air was sharp with burning rubber and rain, and even though nothing obvious occured other than that, I paused ... and stopped. Another car stopped behind me. But initially, I had stopped alone.

As I walked up to the crash site, now 300m behind my car, I thought abt all the things I'd want to hear if I picked up the Triage 1 call in ED. And I was calm. And part of me considered what would happen if the passengers were dangerous, if they were hurt, if I was alone and I really was the first doctor on the scene.... and I kept walking.

I hate myself for that. I hated myself for standing my ground, the other concerned driver (another girl) now by my side, as I confronted drunk bikies gibbering on abt "people out to get [their] families". I hated myself for this becoz I would still have stopped. Even if I was alone, even knowing the occupants were dodgy. Becoz I realized that I didn't care abt me. Becoz this was the right fucking thing to do and I couldn't help but do it.

The occupants were drunk, maybe even high too. But they were walking away from the scene, walking and talking. Oriented, really. And ultimately, the other driver and I left them in the hands of the towies.

I've become something alien to myself.

Hardly self-aware before, I've become this thing, this fool and made the transformation without even noticing.

I swore I'd never care and never stop and never look back, but there I was. Becoz I knew that if

I didn't stop and they were hurt, maybe no one else would. And I hated myself for knowing that it would be better if I was there handing over the the ambulance staff than most other people.

How did I become this abomination? So comfortable in my medical skin that I would stop and

think that I could do it? I could actually fucking help?

It made me realize that this is my life now and this is who I am. And ultimately, I am a soft touch and I will die before I let anyone else come close.

I don't know who this person is anymore. I'm certainly not the person I profess to be. Certainly not the person I'd like to be. Somewhere in between, I exist in the murky depths, horrifying myself whenever I catch sight of my own reflection.

Goddamn it, how did this fucking happen?

2006-12-27T23:44:00.000+09:00

You are the love of my life.

And maybe I'll never be brave enough to tell you, but you are.

Sanity, Stupidity and Somewhere in Between.

2006-12-16T04:40:00.000+09:00

[Retrospective Entry]

I can't sleep.

It's 0440 and I've been trying for a while. I can't sleep. Something abt work, warm and a touch of the crazy are keeping me awake tonight.

My psychologist lent me a book the other day. Funnily enough, it was the second one she lent me and perhaps the least useful of the two. It's abt narcissitic parents and their tormented spawn. It was initially alarming in its insight, frightening in its realism. It captured all the things I've felt and experienced growing up. It was therefore, horrifying and yet reassuring.

I didn't know crazy people had that much of an effect on their children (hello?!) and I certainly didn't realize how widespread said crazy is/was.

There was also a certain amount of liberation felt with each page turned, as I finally realized that I am not inherently evil, cruel or crazy.

I've stalled in my reading of the book, however, as if knowing of others is enough. I've lived so long in madness, after all. Why fix it now?

...

The psych is changing my life. Slowly, softly. She's changing my life where I was not capable of doing it myself, or knowing it were possible before.

Sometimes, I can even imagine living a few more years. Maybe even growing old.

...

I've been thinking abt buying a guitar.

This isn't a new thought process. I've thought abt buying one since being at St George's... I've just not actually done it. Partly, it was the money - a couple of hundred dollars thrown at something I probably would bury, and done on a student budget, was really inadvisable. If I wanted to eat that month, I'd prob also have to tell mother abt it. Double ouch. ...And partly, it was the problem of anonimity - hard to hide that you're learning (or torturing) the guitar when you're living in the dorms.

...But here I am years later and I'm not in the dorms, have a few bedrooms in which I can hide the guitar and neighbours who shouldn't be able to hear me and really shouldn't care. To top it off, I could afford the stupid thing now. It would be unpleasant to be a few hundred dollars short if I discover that all I'm really good at it bashing the thing... but i also wouldn't owe anyone an apology.

....

Hmmm

splutter

2006-11-19T21:29:00.000+08:00

Flipping through cable, I saw her. Some new music video that actually featured a high-waisted pencil skirt and her hair all in curlers...and she still made me sit up and pant.

And I think that Beyonce may well be the girl for me.

(something abt being pregnant and making a film abt Daniel Pearl's life de-throned Ms Jolie. No offense intended)

I hate to be annoying...

2006-11-15T01:16:00.000+08:00

But I thought

I'd just share my moments of sanity and annoying-ness with everyone.

...it is, after all, late at night and I've got no one to talk to.

Firstly, I've figured out that I'm ill-suited to ED. Much as I like it, I make lousy decisions or perhaps, get flustered into lousier decisions than I would have otherwise made. I've made enemies in ED. Don't ask me how but a combination of my jangled nerves and ineptitude/ignorance has meant that I'm nastier than normal. Not with nurses but with other doctors, senior doctors. I can really see my career going far after this term.

But

the good news is

I'm not suicidal. I'm not out of control, self-mutilating, self-loathing, self-flagellating. Sure, I feel shit. I'd like to never go back to ED again, but I'm not doing anything more concrete other than feeeeeeeling bad.

You know, I don't even think it's a lack of study from years before. I think I'm lousy just becoz I get scared so much I then lose it and become C-R-A-P.

But who cares becoz I've got love.

I've got the most wonderful boyfriend, who's also my silliest friend. I consider myself unbelieveably lucky that after all the shit I've done in my life, it's still worked out so I have Acb.

Acb thinks all fun things should be done together. He never says this but just assumes that we roam as a gang. This was evidenced by his recent invitation to Melbourne for Xmas.

Acb: So, I'm going to go home (Melb) for X'mas coz I just realized it was over a weekend.

Self: Oh, ok. Have fun!

Acb: Yep, so are you coming?

Self: Eh?

He makes me laugh all the time. He's so adorably silly. Silly silly silly! Not suave at all! (yay) He steals sips of my drink when my back is turned, he fills my house with his alcohol and his DVDs then steals my side of the bed. We're always tickling each other (I hope some of you out there haven't yet thrown up). I feel as if we've fallen out of one of those stupid romance-lite films, we're that annoying.

Ahhhh... but this is all I've ever wanted so

*smile*

I'm keeping it sane.

R-E-S-T-O-R-A-T-I-O-N

2006-11-06T09:14:00.000+08:00

The impossible has occured, folks, and like the proverbial fog, I genuininely felt it lift....

My sanity is back by my side.

I am mad no more.

...And The Beatles were right after all: all you need is love.

I see a world with curtains thrown open, and walking through crowds. I see a life without fearing my partner's intellectual prowess or social standing. I see a life in which I do not work (nor do I want to) 18hour days.

I see a life worth leading, worth having.

I see a life with true love.

I am free.

Nausea, Nauseating, Nauseated

2006-10-23T17:08:00.000+08:00

I confess that perhaps, my resident and reg were right. I am nauseatingly enthusiastic.

Keen, as my resident would say. Keen keen keen, and all that said with bug-eyed, grit-teeth conviction.

I found myself excited abt the blood gas machine today in ED. The idea that colored printouts with acid-base graphs would come up was kinda cool. Very exciting. The idea that Rez and I were going 50% of the doctors available tonight was exciting too. But this was also 10am and I thought I'd have gotten some sleep after that.

It's now 5pm and I've slept 1.5hours. I'm sure to embarass myself tonight, if for no other reason then sheer fatigue.

I've been nursing a headache, referred from my clenched jaw and bruxism, for a day or so now. Somehow last week, I must have so happily gotten into the night grinding that I was unable to open my mouth fully for the pain come daybreak. Good grief.

I've come to the conclusion that my enthusiasm is directly proportional to my fear and dis-ease. Since I am always uncomfortable and nervous, I project as very excited and happy. It's a strange series of unfortunate coincidences.

This morning I also almost walked into my formed boss. The one who offered to by my fine jewelry. I was also already late. I wondered abt the justice in my life.

Gar.

I suddenly feel sleepy.

And enthusiastic.

Jaw hurts.

Keep your grandma at home tonight.

Muchos Gracias

2006-10-17T22:02:00.000+08:00

I had pictured my home laid bare. Torn from limb to limb by crazy, drunken fiends (aka invited guests), a mini riot started on my street.

Nay, that's not how things transpired but I'd like to thank everyone who fronted to the wee house warming anyway ;)

Thanks especially to those who turned up extra early to keep me company and to A and L-S who got music organized even if my budget stereo could not accomodate it.

A huge thank you to Acb (who doesn't know this site exists, much less will see my thanks) who made food from scratch, put up with my spack attack re: mad facial rash, brought along beer, helped me clean up after the fact and who puts up with me in general. - It is you I adore... even if some barbie doll will probably lure you away at plastics dressing clinic.

To those who couldn't make it, you were missed.

House house Thought

2006-10-08T11:02:00.000+08:00

Garh!

For the last 2 days I've had to think abt, clean and pay for stuff to be done to my humble abode.

The kitchen has finally been tiled. Hours were spent chatting with the genuinely very nice tiler becoz I felt it impolite to slink back to bed after the 0700 wake-up call. Tradies are a unique bunch. 0700 on a Saturday is ungodly.

So since then, I've had to clean up (ewwww.... gritty substances coming into contact with my fingers... ewww), do more laundry (aka still cleaning up), and now have finally found time to browse Etsy again while scoffing down 1/4 of a mud cake.

I feel vaguely unwell for various reasons, none of which is genuinely somatic.

I'm balking at the mess contained within my home, the prospect of a party (w/ very few friends), at starting another week at OPH with the world's laziest surgical registrar and at the sun. The sun in particular, for it beats down upon me relentlessly as if to say "you can hide no more" becoz it is spring.

I am nauseated at myself and everything else.

I.. I.. I..

I don't know if I ever mentioned my saddest, most awkward moment in Russia to anyone but the girl who stood with me as it occured.

Maybe that was becoz I never quite lost the sense of disquiet that filled me when it occured.

Outside the Park Kultury metro station, my 'home' train stop, there was a series of little cart-stalls selling a lot of food and one or two with books and magazines.

Sometime into the middle of my stay there, I found myself ever able to drink kvas, a beverage the color of cola that was apparently traditional in some way. It contained a tiny amount of alcohol and carbonation and tasted rather like chinotto in retrospect. I liked the stuff, god knows why, and was queing up to buy a cup when the little old lady approached me.

Tiny and wearing a kerchief, she shuffled up to me, hands cupped. I towered over her like the horrible Western tourist I was and was startled to see her beg. She reminded me of my own grandmother and it appalled me that no one seemed to notice her.

Park Kultury wasn't a tourist hub and we appeared to be the only foreignors around. Perhaps elderly people begging were commonplace for the locals but certainly, they weren't for me. At least not then - in all our weeks there - as this was the first time I'd ever seen a pensioner beg. Not a maimed war veteran, not a gypsy, but an old woman like my grandma.

I fished out my wallet and, forgive me, chose the smallest denomination ruble bill I had. 50 rubles, if memory serves (probably doesn't). I gave it to her tentatively becoz she'd started to move down the kvas queue by this stage.

She took my hand and looked up at me. "Spaciba" she said, eyes meeting mine.

I didn't cry then, confused and startled. But everytime since, the memory has forced tears.

The Russians, at least those I encountered, were not a touchy-feely bunch. Almost surly in their reserve, none of us really had any friendly encounters with the locals outside our lecturers. The last person on earth I thought would take my hand was an elderly Russian woman, forced to beg from a Westernized chink.

I instantly regretted my stinginess. I should have given her more, goddamn it. If she had been my grandmother, wouldn't I have hoped someone would give her more? What would more have meant to me? One less souvenir?

How could someone let their grandmother beg like that? How could any state let the pensions persist without adjusting for inflation? How could any state reduce its old and infirm to begging?

She shuffled away.

I stared after her a moment and then at my feet.

Her face haunts me even now. Her quiet way. Spaciba.

Turns out this happens a lot in modern Russia.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/5413226.stm

Some Movies

2006-10-07T18:15:00.000+08:00

In a bid to keep myself from dangerous pursuits (drugs, alcohol and self-harm), I took to renting DVDs over the last two weeks. To that end, I have seen the following:

Beautiful Boxer (Thai)

I liked this one - a slightly romanticised version the true story of a champion Muay Thai fighter and transvestite. It was recent and won either honorable mention at some poncy film festival or an actual award.

I liked it more before I realized that a paucity of dialogue may lull one into the false impression that everyone featured is profound.

Still, Muay Thai is beautiful and I have a soft spot for alternative lifestyle choices.

Y Tu Mama Tambien (Spanish)

This film had an alarming amount of sex and full-frontal male nudity (good grief, why?). It was funny in a strange, pointless kind of way. I loved the narration which broke in every now and then with a depressing tidbit - past and present.

I was horrified to discover that the famed Gael Garcia Bernal has the same profile as one Gregory L. Paulson, my former fiance. I imagine he doesn't look quite so Greg-ish in all films but the similarities here were alarming. It made some of the sexual content hard to reconcile.

This film actually had substance, and allowed some guilt-free voyeurism. Not quite sure why it was such a big deal when it came out but it was good nonetheless.

Kandahar (Urdu/ Pashtun?)

Another lauded film. It begs the question: are these accolades truly deserved or handed out to people the judging commitee pities or finds sufficiently topical?

There were beautiful scenes here... which were drawn out for several minutes too many.

The plot was flimsy and, frankly, stupid.

The doctor character was a great inclusion though. Probably the film's only saving grace.... that and the fact that it was short.

Gen X Cops (badly dubbed English. Probably Cantonese to begin with)

I love a good HK gangster flick.

This was just terrible, not helped by the lack of genuine Chinese spoken on the copy I watched. Terrible. Yucky yucky.

The Gen X Cops were alright-looking. As one expects HK pretty boys to be, all streaked hair and poses. The story was shit though. I tried for 3 hours but couldn't stay awake for the while thing.

It was 1:20pm.

If that's not telling, I don't know what is.

...In other news... hmmm. I don't think there's other news.

Tick tock.

Acb returns to Perth sometime this weekend. I'm not sure how this will actuallywork out. It seems a lifetime since last we were together. And in that time, I've filled the void with work.

Sweet work.

Saving Grace

2006-10-03T23:26:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a bad day.

No longer able to distract myself, the night fell on a scene of neurosis-fuelled inebriation. There was a poorly painted canvas and several poorly constructed and even more badly decorated bits of furniture.

I thought today when I rose, hung over and feeling sorry for myself, that perhaps, I would have calmed down before making it to my psychologist. That I would report, objectively and with an abstract detachment, my fall from grace the night before. I would talk abt it as an incidental, no longer appreciative of the moments themselves or their origins.

Not so.

Thankfully.

I went to my psychologist today feeling as wretched as the night before. Or perhaps less so for I was sober and lacking the honesty that comes with drink. I felt poorly in the car on the way there. Awash with self-pity and self-loathing.

Self-loathing mostly.

And she challenged me to examine my thought processes, to question what I thought was truth and fact. She challenged me to make the calls required, to send the sms-es.

And for that, I am grateful.

For that, I am ashamed and disgusted with myself, having seen the facts for what they are and were.

I wonder now, how I could have gone on without her. Certainly, I would have gone on. On and on. I have lasted decades feeling wretched. At that rate, I would surely last millenia.

She is slowly changing my life. Slowly changing me. Making me a better person. Making me someone I can live with and live as.

I cannot imagine a day when I don't wish to hurt myself. To lynch myself, to flog myself for every indiscretion, real or percieved. When I don't embarrass and irk myself. But perhaps, this day could exist now.

Must Find

2006-10-01T01:36:00.000+08:00

Must find way to keep from feeling awful abt self all the time.

Who hid ETSY from me?

2006-09-28T23:11:00.000+08:00

I've fallen in love with Etsy, the site where true cottage industries and business-minded craftsters flourish.

There's a million things on sale - everything hand made by someone who's creative or crazy, mostly both it seems.

I've perused handmade bath products, drooling all the while becoz everything seems to be food based. I've looked up all sorts of silly kitsch things that I've dreamed up while sitting here in the 'cold room' of my house.

All bundled up in an old Ralph Lauren blankie (wierd trivia bit there. I wonder how my family has one of these) I've enjoyed every one of my minutes on the site.

Sadly enough, I am again confronted with the knowledge that I'm a lazy little imp and should make most of these things myself. If only for myself and not for any kind of sale.

I love the site though, all soothing colors and not-so-good search tools. I love it becoz it reminds me of how I chanced upon my favourite ring, now immortalized in gold, at the art gallery markets when I was 15. A journey of discovery indeed. And one in which I come to my usual conclusion

- I am neither skilled nor creative enough.

Go forth with a flourish, folks.

Sprinkler

2006-09-27T20:59:00.000+08:00

When I arrived home today I saw my neighbour's ute in his driveway for the second day in a row.

My neighbour's name is Charlie and he has an accent like mine. A middle-aged Caucasian, I like him for his quiet greetings and lack of intrusive questions. IMHO, he's the best kind of neighbour to have - friendly and yet barely there.

Another segeway into evening on the Lye driveway.

I waved to him as usual and sang out "Hi Charlie."

And as he greeted me, it occured to me that he probably did have a lawnmower... which I promptly inquired about.

Of course, halfway through my question, I realized that I have no, none, zero interest in mowing my own lawn. WTF. Why the hell did I ask? ...Oh yeah, I remember now - becoz mowing it myself seemed less troublesome than organizing someone to mow it for me....

Turns out, he has a shit-ass mower but his other, middle-aged ute owning friend (who I see sometimes) has a better one and probably wouldn't mind mowing my pathetic patch-o-grass for a minimal fee. Or patch-o-tall weeds, as it really is now.

Ah hah.

Then I thought," hey, he might know the secret behind the reticulation."

And after some fiddling, he did.

Turns out tap needed to be on AND sprinkler knob needed to be on simultanously. Hot damn. The new-fangled shit they'll come up with these days. The courtyard sprinkler system has eluded me for months. I'd been running into my courtyard armed with a bucket (filled at the kitchen tap no less) since moving in here. A foolhardy venture each time as it involved an ungainly dance across my newly laid carpet.

Hmm.

And for one moment there, I kinda wished that I did have neighbours of the old skool variety.

It was nice knowing that I liked the folks next door. Nicer still knowing they didn't mind me.

Kalmykia

2006-09-25T23:02:00.000+08:00

Did everyone else know this country existed?

http://kalm.ru/en/

An entire Buddist nation within the Russian Federation? A nation populated by Kalmyks who seem... very Asian in appearence? A geek-filled place that has, at its head, a fellow who is president of the World Chess Federation?

http://www.newtimes.ru/eng/detail.asp?art_id=615 What an excellent picture. No ego evident at all. (and it sounds like he's embracing autocracy as only an Asian and, dare I say it, a product of socialism can.)

I think I've just found my next holiday destination, folks. A place that combines my love of dodgy places, Russian language and Buddhism.

I wonder how I'll arrange this holiday... But wait, I'm sure this year's chess championships in the capital Elista have put the place on the damn map by now.

2

2006-09-25T10:51:00.000+08:00

1.) My first ever fruit/herb/edible plant has produced a large green lump. I was looking at it the other night with disdain when I realized that it's a nascent strawberry. In spite of myself, I was charmed and have been staring out at the plant every day since.

I'm enchanted by the idea that this could occur. That it's true - plants produce fruit. And my plants will produce fruit even though I care for them but grudgingly. I've wondered abt that strawberry since .... should I eat it when ripe? Would that be a cruel thing to do? As if separating and devouring the plant's young?

Poor plant.

2.) I came to the realization yesterday that Perth is finally getting more African immigrants.
There weren't too many Asians when I arrived (but now the proverbial cup runneth over) and there were no Africans. But now, I see a few walking the streets, working in stores and there's even a few doctors at my hospital.

This realization made me smile.

Finally.

2006-09-21T12:01:00.000+08:00

"A building gets torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart...
If the people we love are taken from us, the way they live on is to never stop loving them.Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever."-Sarah, The Crow.

I wish I could change who I was and how I react.

I wish I could be something other than what I am. There's no better or worse, just other.

Other than me.

You're right: if paying money makes me believe statements of the bleeding obvious, than it's probably money well-spent.

Odd Moments

2006-09-20T15:06:00.000+08:00

I finally had my end-of-term review done yesterday by my last consultant. It's funny becoz I cannot imagine any consultant considering themselves friends with the interns but mine does. And I s'pose he actually is.

He wrote on my form that I had a "great work ethic" which was hilarious becoz who'd have thought there'd come a day when I was hardworking. He also wrote (having cleared it with me first), that I was hyper-critical of myself and that this was an area for improvement. And when I tried to laugh it off he gave me that sad look he always does and was very silent.

It was a good experience. Becoz even though the assessments are arbitrary and everyone seems to be told they're excellent, he'd actually thought abt my performance and was honest.

I told him last term that I was planning on getting help for my self-esteem.

I think after several weeks of just the two of us running the team, we're much closer and more comfortable that otherwise expected. I got to play registrar and in return, my boss had faith and trust in my psychiatric skills. What a pity I could not turn them inward to help myself.

My former boss said that perhaps I'd hated medical school becoz in it I was nothing and no one of consequence. And that after growing up with my parents, being someone was pivotal to me and my sense of self-worth.

I was floored becoz that is absolutely it. It had never even occured to me. I had always considered my folks the most silly, spastic bunch of people ever. But I guess, there's much they've achieved and their standards have been relentless. And now mine are even more so.

Walking back to my car, I thought also of what my psychologist said on Monday and I am astounded.

There's so much abt my life and myself it seems I do not know. I am so riddled with bias that I've failed to see even the most obvious things. Even the things that mean the world to me. Even the things I want to see.

So where do I go from here?

splutter

2006-09-18T21:18:00.000+08:00

Garrrrrr.

I had a moment last night with two of my closest friends when I realized that perhaps, one of my bosses had made a pass at me.

I was relating a work story and then, blam (a la the Batman Series), it hit me. Goddamn it, I'm a fool.

Silly Vicki had just thought everyone was being nice and friendly.

It was an interesting experience though. It made me realize, albeit a little more suddenly than I had initally hoped, that I am adult now. A real, working adult - ripe for workplace sexual harassment.

My resident has commented that perhaps my "keen-ness" gave the boss the wrong impression. ... I cannot help but think he has a point... And so he has been nominated as my "keen-o-meter" to keep me from such faux pas in future.

I'm gonna miss working with him. I feel as if he's one of the very few new friends I've made all year. And yeah, I know that becoz of all our spare, Osborne Park-style downtime, we've become closer than we would have otherwise but it's still nice. And I realize that when the term ends, he'll go back to his world of nice Christian-Chink-doctors and I'll return to mine of drunking former UMATers. He will remain a good guy, however, and he will be missed.

In other news, the saga of The House is finally drawing to a close.

I have made the bookings and the house will be 100% ready for human habitation (yes, what have I been doing here) in slightly less than a month. Cable TV, fully refurbished kitchen, the whole freaking works.

Tah dah.

...Accordingly, I have made the ultimate commitment to a house-warming. And indeed, there have even been enthusiastic RSVPs - better still.

And so even though I hate to think of dirt being trekked anywhere near my home, I'm excited and a little scared.

Finally, I have decided that today marks the end of my ridiculous, over-enthusiastic, misinformed, misguided over-working. If the one thing I want is true love and if all i do is hide from life, then truly, never the twain shall meet.

So here's to the end of over-working. Here's to taking a chance on the one thing that I'm sure I want when I'm 65. Becoz you can't control everything and that's how true love is to be found.

Becoz somewhere in my subconscious, lurks the girl who asked a stranger to marry her simply becoz they had a shared vision of love everlasting. And even if that was truly a fiasco, I wish I could find that girl once more.

All for love, my dears, all for love.

[for] he that made this this knows all the cost, for he gave all his heart and lost.

Movement Most Mystifying

2006-09-17T02:43:00.000+08:00

I have capitulated and moved somewhere where the desire, however misguided, to have photos on my blog is not met with demand for money.
And so folks, I have come here following L-S's footsteps.

My old livejournal will continue to exist till the LiveJournal gods deem otherwise.

The old link - which also contains a link to another site (yeah, fuck yeah, I'm filling the Net with crap as I do my own home) with photo 'albums' - probably still has some value. If only to stand as searing, pitiful testament to my state of mind....

And the photos? they remain, although all new ones will be posted here.

*look right for the links ------>

Scyanide

November

The darkest 2 months so far

F*ck you FRACP: C'est fini

3 month follow-up: Brazilian Blow-out

Daily makeup trial

Unexpected Awesomeness: cosmetics + makeup haul from my travels

Alone again, naturally

Mini Nyx Haul & Reviews

Quick Review: Brazilian blow-out

Call it 'business class'

Cake Eyeliner and BB Cream(s)

Crazy like a... clean freak?

Lip balm/ gloss collection (and some reviews)

Crackle Nail Polish: a comparison, review and some nail polish thoughts

Scyanide and DP do retro

Crazy makeup/ cosmetics haul (aka procastination 2011)

Movie madness part 2 (aka house-sitting at Dan's)

Rantings of a lunatic

Central Europe: the tally part 1

About me: 25 Things

Addendum to recent product reviews ;)

Oooh: Skinfood FreshFruit Lip & Cheek Stains

Random makeup thought

Tarte Cheek Stain: Tipsy

Nope, no nothing

Today

Eyeko reviews

Ok gang, new approach...

I've worked out

I am

Back home - bring on the depressive funk

Sunday and today

New Hair

Melbourne

I am well aware

*sigh*

Trying too hard

Send someone to love me

Annoying

So, what's it like...?

Woohoo! I love you, Endo Thermal cooker.

Much to be thankful for

Obama the new US President

Aw shucks

Cough

lost in translation

Bah

yikes

Pig-pig, pig-pig

F-CRAP

Wombat in Snow

Screw you bitches, I'm going skiing

Medically tipsy

Insomnia

Haircut by a maniac

Random Pics of Egypt.

1st April 2007

Nights on CCU

http://www.bunnyshop.org/ AND stuff

Fool

Sanity, Stupidity and Somewhere in Between.

*splutter*

I hate to be annoying...

R-E-S-T-O-R-A-T-I-O-N

Nausea, Nauseating, Nauseated

Muchos Gracias

House house Thought

Some Movies

Saving Grace

Must Find

Who hid ETSY from me?

Sprinkler

Kalmykia

2

Odd Moments

*splutter*

Movement Most Mystifying

sigh

splutter

splutter