Sunday and today

Sunday just gone was my first good day here in Melb.


I never thought my mood sensitive to the sun but there I was, smiling as I strolled down Swanston in the sunlight.  I figure a combination of the sun, my new haircut, a break from lectures and no longer being hungover all contributed.  It was my happiest moment here ever... and I've realized that I've been to Melb at least half a dozen times since graduating.  Perhaps more.


All those times, and I really remember being happy just once.


But that one time made me think abt how nice it is to walk down the street in a big city.  Anonymity and individuality all in one.


It made me realize how much I miss big cities... and even if Melb isn't mine... maybe it's time to start looking for one again.  


I think that in a big city, Pig and I could find true love.  Or contentment and a place for each other.

New Hair

As many girls do when feeling low (hey, there's nothing like failing the FCRAP and then doing Deltamed to make you feel shit), I got my hair done.


And when I done I mean REdone.


For the first time in my life, I just said "don't give me a mullet, but otherwise, go crazy!" 


All this was done sotto voce, however, since I was hungover.


Anyway, mad props to Dens and De who recommended the place and the artiste - now I have a haircut (complete with undercut) that's officially too cool for both me and school ;)

Melbourne

Being here for study is depressing.  


It's so hard to stay focused and motivated for hours on end.. and to fight that sneaking sense of self doubt that says "you didn't pass before and you knew this stuff... think you're gonna pass now?"


It's a big city that has a habit of making you feel small too...


But I am still revelling in the anonymity and the freedom of it all... when allowed to roam.


So what will make me think I'll pass this time?

I am well aware

That getting tipsy, by myself, on a 'school night' is poor form.

But I only did it so that I would sleep like the dead... refreshed and ready for 48hours of consistent work, cardiology style.

(does anyone ever read this?)

*sigh*

no one loves me.


sometimes i don't care.


this just isn't one of those times.

Trying too hard

Got told yesterday by one of my bosses - previously frightening giant of a man - that I was trying to hard.


Ordinarily something like that would have crushed me but he was so very nice abt it.  And managed to couch it all somehow.


It stung a little.  But somehow I came out of it thinking ... gee... if ever there was a simple way to improve, this is it.


I'd actually never been told that by any boss ever.  Admittedly, I'm very rarely trying as hard as I am now. 


So there you go, possibly the first time I've ever taken constructive criticism as just that.

Send someone to love me

I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man


....Years ago, I spend a summer in Taipei by myself.  This song came out then.  And I used to walk thru the neon-lit streets and think abt how it perfectly captured my world.


I don't think my life ever really changed since then.  

Annoying

Geez, I spent all this time trying to think hard abt a particular referral - was I missing something?  Could I manage it better?  Hmm.  What other info was/is needed?....


And after all that, all my boss had to say was "Sunday afternoon is not the time for brilliance.  Just admit them."


Huh.  


I don't have many brilliant moments, I'm sorry you're cranky to have me call you all the time on Fathers' Day but cut me some slack - I'm trying to keep crap out of your department!

So, what's it like...?

What's it like being alone?

Well, for the first time I can recall since it I became single again, it made me sad.

I was walking Mr Pig. Still dressed in scrubs (becoz how can I improve on that kinda comfort), winter coat on top, ipod going. And getting into the music, I realized that I have no one to share that with. Just no one. Arguably, I didn't have anyone to share my music with before. But still... there I was on the poorly lit suburban streets, all alone.

I've realized that most of the time, I'm at work. Either truly busy or just not quite busy enough becoz I'm feeling neurotic. But I'm at work. And so I forget. That it's just Pig and I.

I never thought I'd be one of those ppl who'd give a shit abt having a partner. And that's prob not even really it. It's more like having the interaction, the living presence... something other than myself.

Pig's a delightful distraction. But on those days when I'm just too tired to walk too far...

Sometimes I just wish someone would hug me.

Hug away the darkness, the loneliness, the cold of the overnight on-call, the self-doubt and self-loathing. Make me believe, however briefly, that my exams and my training program be damned, I'll be happy anyway.