Odd Moments

I finally had my end-of-term review done yesterday by my last consultant. It's funny becoz I cannot imagine any consultant considering themselves friends with the interns but mine does. And I s'pose he actually is.

He wrote on my form that I had a "great work ethic" which was hilarious becoz who'd have thought there'd come a day when I was hardworking. He also wrote (having cleared it with me first), that I was hyper-critical of myself and that this was an area for improvement. And when I tried to laugh it off he gave me that sad look he always does and was very silent.

It was a good experience. Becoz even though the assessments are arbitrary and everyone seems to be told they're excellent, he'd actually thought abt my performance and was honest.

I told him last term that I was planning on getting help for my self-esteem.

I think after several weeks of just the two of us running the team, we're much closer and more comfortable that otherwise expected. I got to play registrar and in return, my boss had faith and trust in my psychiatric skills. What a pity I could not turn them inward to help myself.

My former boss said that perhaps I'd hated medical school becoz in it I was nothing and no one of consequence. And that after growing up with my parents, being someone was pivotal to me and my sense of self-worth.

I was floored becoz that is absolutely it. It had never even occured to me. I had always considered my folks the most silly, spastic bunch of people ever. But I guess, there's much they've achieved and their standards have been relentless. And now mine are even more so.

Walking back to my car, I thought also of what my psychologist said on Monday and I am astounded.

There's so much abt my life and myself it seems I do not know. I am so riddled with bias that I've failed to see even the most obvious things. Even the things that mean the world to me. Even the things I want to see.

So where do I go from here?